On Christian Marriage
The idea of love in our modern era is broken. When partners make their weddings vows they are empty promises. They may not admit it but in a society where divorce is the norm, to be made whenever people feel they are no longer in love with one another, or when either of them falls in love with someone else, a promise adds nothing, and if it adds nothing, then it should not be made. The Christian idea of marriage on the other hand is based on God’s words that a man and wife are to be regarded as a single organism—for that is what the words “one flesh” would be in modern English.
What is true love in a Christian marriage? In some ways I am unqualified to answer this question, not being married myself. However, following biblical principles and observing Christian marriages, I can make a few observations. Love is a good thing, and so is being in love with another person. However, to put it above Christ, to make it the basis of a whole life is idolatry. In the final analysis, it is just a feeling, and you cannot rely on it to last in its full intensity, or even to last at all. This is where most worldly people part ways with one another, but Christian marriage is held to a higher standard—Christ’s standard. When the Apostle Paul wrote on Christian marriage, he put Christs’ relationship with the church as the standard. Read what he wrote here in Ephesians 5:22-33,
Ephesians 5:22-33 - LSB
Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is great, but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.
I could never hope to exegete this passage in a concise manner, as would be the appropriate manner for this style of essay, so I will point the reader to listen to a sermon by John Piper on this passage: Marriage Lived to the Glory of God. One thing I will comment on is verse 33b, a command directed to wives, but its fulfillment is related to both husband and wife— the ESV has it, “Let the wife see that she respects her husband.” Respect is often an overlooked aspect, especially in younger couples who are not yet married. Does she respect him? I don’t mean, Is she head over heels in love with him? On its own that could easily blind her to his faults. No, it’s respect that matters. And respect means trust. Respect means that his character leads her to believe that his love is true and that he will keep his word, that he’s faithful, that there are qualities in him that she feel she can appreciate and admire.
This leads us then to the indispensable first truth: What is the purpose of marriage? Primarily it is as with everything that we do, whether we eat, or drink, do all for the glory of God (1 Cor. 10:31). Imagine a scenario — a young man starts getting starry eyed and talks about some girl that he’s met; going on about her beauty, how easily he can get along with her, how good he feels when he’s around her, and so on. Now ask yourself this question, he wants to marry her because she’s beautiful, that’s wonderful, but what happens when she’s not beautiful anymore? Or what happens when someone comes along who is more beautiful that she is? What is this young man going to do? Is he going to be like most men in our country and leave her? He wants to marry her because he can really talk to her. What happens when he finds someone else that he can have better conversations with? These things will happen and the young couple needs to know what they are going to do in these circumstances. If self-centered reasons are the basis of marriage then we’re in trouble. That’s why we see so many people in trouble. Why? Because they marry for all the wrong reasons.
The foundation of marriage then is this, God called me, with an irrevocable calling to care for a certain daughter of his — to lay down my life for her. Now I want you to see the strength of this. Let’s say she’s beautiful, praise the Lord. Now let’s say that some disease ravishes her body, or she’s in some tragic accident that leaves her deformed and paralyzed. I’m not going anywhere. Why? Because the foundation of the marriage is not, “I want to marry her because she’s beautiful.” The foundation of the marriage is that God has called me with an irrevocable calling to care for this specific daughter. Not for many daughters, for one daughter—my wife. Let’s say that we’re able to converse, and have wonderful conversations. That’s amazing. Now let’s say that we are not. That we pass through a time in our life when communication is difficult, it doesn’t seem like we have much in common. What do we do? If the foundation of our marriage is that I know that I’m called of God to lay down my life for this girl, when she’s beautiful, or not so beautiful. When she’s easy to be with, and not; that I’m called to remain steadfast. That changes everything.
Earlier when I said that the feelings of love cannot be relied on to last forever is true, even in Christian marriages. Of course, ceasing to be “in love” need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense—love as distinct from “being in love” is not merely a feeling, it is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. “Being in love” first moved them to promise fidelity, and with time a new love emerges, a quieter love, which enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run. Being in love was the explosion that started it.
The Scottish theologian Sinclair Ferguson had this to say,
It’s the kind of sense that Ruth had about Boaz, isn’t it, that made her think he was the kind of man with whom she would be at home and safe and secure. It means that a young woman, or for that matter, an older woman, feels that this man will be my very best friend in all the world. Because you see, if you don’t respect him before you marry him, it’s very unlikely that you’ll respect him after you marry him.
If God willing, I take a wife, I promise to live worthy of her respect. It is not hard to see that when children live in a home where that is true, they’ll feel safe and loved, and they’ll also get a glimpse of the Lord Jesus and the love He has for His church.